Can't Breathe

Hands...feels like so many hands. Inside my rib cage. Gripping. Squeezing. Pulling. Can't breathe. Vomit. Feels like I'm going to vomit. Burning inside my stomach. But nothing ever comes up. Hands around my throat. Can't breathe. Every attempted deep breath brings on the feeling of vomit. If I close my eyes it gets worse because every image I'm trying to forget flashes in front of me. And I can feel you. I'm trying to forget and I can feel you. Holding on to me. But not for the reason I hope. It's only because you want your toy. While I try to forget how much emotion I have invested in this you hold on to your toy. All the while I know I'm disposable. That you'll be done with me someday and never look back. And I'll still be trying to catch my breath.

A Good Lie

To the world she appears to have it all together. She seems independent and strong. She walks with an air of confidence that makes her almost unapproachable. Yet, if you get close enough you'll find that she reeks of bourbon and tastes like pain. The tiny pieces of her shattered heart held in her hands. Unaware of just how fragile she is, but unable to fix it. Frozen and paralyzed in her heartache. So she takes another drink to numb the pain and move forward one more day living the lie that she's okay.

Still Wandering, But Not Lost

The picture we paint for others. If only it were real. If only I really had it together. If only I were as strong as everyone perceives me to be.

The truth often feels too difficult to share. So I hide. Behind the smile of a picture...one moment caught and frozen in time that projects happiness, fulfillment, joy, contentment and more. I hide behind laughter. Covering every stressful situation and interaction in humor to mask the feeling of panic and desperation on the inside. I hide behind the alcohol. Drinking away the sting of reality to feel numb to it all.

Then morning comes and I get up and wander aimlessly through the day trying to decipher between what's real and what I've just created as false reality. Not lost though. There are goals, dreams, and wishes to be pursued. So I find some small sense of direction each day to stay pointed towards what I hope to achieve. There may be days of wandering off the path, but there is always a way back. A reason to not get lost in it all.

In the Lonely Hours

10:45 at night. I have a 5 am wake up call in the morning, and I am wide awake with no hope of falling asleep any time soon. Scared. Stressed. Lonely. Such a recipe for insomnia. You'd think my body and mind would want to escape the reality of my current situation and drift in a dream world where life is more stable.

A year after starting this new season of my life and I'm still flailing around like a fish out of water. I've decided, for me at least, my divorce was the best and worst decision all rolled into one. Some days I feel so freed by that decision and others I feel paralyzed. It's mostly in the lonely hours of the evening, when I can't sleep, that it feels so debilitating. I'm so tired of being angry and resentful. I want to let it all go. There's still so much from my past that continues to affect my present that I sometimes wonder if it will always linger.

When your own words slap you in the face...

"Because what was all this change and pain for if not for forward momentum?"

I suck at blogging as often as I'd like to. Sigh.

Here I am in a bit of a frantic time in my life again, and as I turn to this blog to put thoughts into words my last post offers a very blunt reminder that there is purpose in all this pain. The whole point of turning my life upside down was to move forward. And that I have done. Maybe not as far or as quickly as I'd hoped, but I have moved. It's been a year since I decided divorce (for the 2nd time in the same marriage) was in fact what I wanted. In the last year I've doubted and celebrated that decision in the same day...same hour...same minute. But fewer are the moments that I celebrate or doubt it. It no longer seems to hold such weight in my life. It's almost as if it never happened at all. And for that, I am thankful.

But as I navigate my way back into a more traditional career I can't help but reflect upon how it has shaped this panicked season I've found myself in. So much uncertainty and instability existed prior to ending my 8 year marriage. Worry. Stress. Fear. They've stuck around like old friends that really serve no purpose in your life anymore but seem to always be there. I am determined for these helpless emotions to become as infrequent as my thoughts about my divorce. I am determined to celebrate the forward momentum...despite the few backward steps along the way.

Lost

Well my enthusiasm for putting things into words here dwindled fast. Actually it didn't really go away...I just drifted. Feeling a bit lost. Wandering aimlessly through my days. Searching for a new purpose in this new life. Navigating a new routine, new schedules, new demands, new fears. I am learning stop looking back, because each time I do the old path becomes less distinguishable….forcing me to look forward. To clear a new path on a journey that has not yet revealed itself to me. The purgatory of leaving the old behind and not yet knowing what the new entails is draining. Causing the motivation and desire to forge the new seem almost impossible.

What now? This moment. This season in my life. Is this right? Finding a sense of being comfortable in an uncertain world is not a skill I have mastered. Renewing my trust in a higher power that I had convinced myself did not hear me is painful. Accepting that change is the only constant and that some things will never change is infuriating. Yet, I get up everyday, put a smile on my face, and move forward. Because what was all this change and pain for if not for forward momentum?

This. Oh my gosh, this.

Read it...it's amazing. Love this site and all the wonderful things posted there daily.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/09/how-to-love-a-strong-complicated-woman/