In the Lonely Hours

10:45 at night. I have a 5 am wake up call in the morning, and I am wide awake with no hope of falling asleep any time soon. Scared. Stressed. Lonely. Such a recipe for insomnia. You'd think my body and mind would want to escape the reality of my current situation and drift in a dream world where life is more stable.

A year after starting this new season of my life and I'm still flailing around like a fish out of water. I've decided, for me at least, my divorce was the best and worst decision all rolled into one. Some days I feel so freed by that decision and others I feel paralyzed. It's mostly in the lonely hours of the evening, when I can't sleep, that it feels so debilitating. I'm so tired of being angry and resentful. I want to let it all go. There's still so much from my past that continues to affect my present that I sometimes wonder if it will always linger.

When your own words slap you in the face...

"Because what was all this change and pain for if not for forward momentum?"

I suck at blogging as often as I'd like to. Sigh.

Here I am in a bit of a frantic time in my life again, and as I turn to this blog to put thoughts into words my last post offers a very blunt reminder that there is purpose in all this pain. The whole point of turning my life upside down was to move forward. And that I have done. Maybe not as far or as quickly as I'd hoped, but I have moved. It's been a year since I decided divorce (for the 2nd time in the same marriage) was in fact what I wanted. In the last year I've doubted and celebrated that decision in the same day...same hour...same minute. But fewer are the moments that I celebrate or doubt it. It no longer seems to hold such weight in my life. It's almost as if it never happened at all. And for that, I am thankful.

But as I navigate my way back into a more traditional career I can't help but reflect upon how it has shaped this panicked season I've found myself in. So much uncertainty and instability existed prior to ending my 8 year marriage. Worry. Stress. Fear. They've stuck around like old friends that really serve no purpose in your life anymore but seem to always be there. I am determined for these helpless emotions to become as infrequent as my thoughts about my divorce. I am determined to celebrate the forward momentum...despite the few backward steps along the way.

Lost

Well my enthusiasm for putting things into words here dwindled fast. Actually it didn't really go away...I just drifted. Feeling a bit lost. Wandering aimlessly through my days. Searching for a new purpose in this new life. Navigating a new routine, new schedules, new demands, new fears. I am learning stop looking back, because each time I do the old path becomes less distinguishable….forcing me to look forward. To clear a new path on a journey that has not yet revealed itself to me. The purgatory of leaving the old behind and not yet knowing what the new entails is draining. Causing the motivation and desire to forge the new seem almost impossible.

What now? This moment. This season in my life. Is this right? Finding a sense of being comfortable in an uncertain world is not a skill I have mastered. Renewing my trust in a higher power that I had convinced myself did not hear me is painful. Accepting that change is the only constant and that some things will never change is infuriating. Yet, I get up everyday, put a smile on my face, and move forward. Because what was all this change and pain for if not for forward momentum?

This. Oh my gosh, this.

Read it...it's amazing. Love this site and all the wonderful things posted there daily.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/09/how-to-love-a-strong-complicated-woman/

Confident or Bitch?

Why is it that a confident and assertive woman is often labeled as being a bitch? This is a question I've been pondering lately. Is it in the way she (I...let's be real, this is about me) presents herself? Or is it in the perception of those around her? A strong and extroverted personality is often intimidating to those who tend to be more soft spoken and reserved. Over the years I've tried to take less offense to those who jokingly (or not) refer to me as their favorite fun-loving bitch. I know they mean well...it's their way way of saying that I'm direct and don't have a tendency to sugar coat things.

 The problem is that there's a fine line of this being a compliment and an insult. No, I don't beat around the bush much. But I am kind, highly sensitive, and have a huge heart for pleasing people. My love language is most definitely words of affirmation. I want to feel appreciated. But I also have learned that hole will never be filled by someone else, and I shouldn't expect that of others. Especially a significant other. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm enough. I know I am. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm worth it. I believe I am. 

So is it the awareness that I am confident in myself and my abilities that seems to make it ok to label that as bitchy? My goal is to focus on what it is I think people are really trying to say...that they see a confident woman who isn't afraid to express her opinions, ideas, and emotions. If bitch is the term folks wanna use then I'm gonna take it and make it my own. 

Broken but Worth Loving

It's the dark days and the long nights that remind me of my brokenness. That make the loneliness so alarmingly obvious. The self doubt creeps in, and I begin to question if it was me all along that caused such turmoil in my life. Would things be any different with anyone else? Am I too controlling? Too demanding? Too narrow minded about the way life should be approached? Selfish? I occasionally stumble onto the path of self hate instead of self love and wonder if it's possible for someone so broken to be wanted or desired.

I miss the simplicity of knowing there is always someone on your side. Even in the long lulls of emptiness in my marriage I still felt the tiniest bit of reassurance that I had someone to walk through life with.  Someone in my corner. Now on the bad days it's always just me. And getting comfortable with that is taking longer than I'd like. Maybe I never will. 

There is often music playing to drown out the silence. To keep my thoughts from heading down the wrong fork in the road. The lyrics are healing. Putting into words what my heart is often incapable of admitting. Forcing me to recognize where I still need to learn and grow...and where I'm still hurting. Reminding me to be gentle with myself and reaffirming that in spite of it all, I will love again and will be loved again. All in due time.

Painfully Honest

I hate how guarded I've become, and I hate how guarded the people I care about are. Somewhere along the way we all began to believe that we (and others) are desperate for feeling anything other than indifference. It somehow became normal to be with someone without a "label"...to "casually" date. That's such bullshit, in my opinion. We're meant to be connected to each other. In lots of varying degrees. And the acknowledgement of that connection has been lost. We hide behind social media and texting. 

I'm a passionate person. I like passionately, and I dislike passionately. Gray area is hard for me...especially when further muted by distant, cold, tech-driven communication. Let's be real with each other. Full of love, tenderness, joy, sadness, hurt, and everything else we feel. Without downplaying or apologizing for such honesty. Truth is so much more valuable in this world of lies we live in.