This. Oh my gosh, this.

Read it...it's amazing. Love this site and all the wonderful things posted there daily.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/09/how-to-love-a-strong-complicated-woman/

Confident or Bitch?

Why is it that a confident and assertive woman is often labeled as being a bitch? This is a question I've been pondering lately. Is it in the way she (I...let's be real, this is about me) presents herself? Or is it in the perception of those around her? A strong and extroverted personality is often intimidating to those who tend to be more soft spoken and reserved. Over the years I've tried to take less offense to those who jokingly (or not) refer to me as their favorite fun-loving bitch. I know they mean well...it's their way way of saying that I'm direct and don't have a tendency to sugar coat things.

 The problem is that there's a fine line of this being a compliment and an insult. No, I don't beat around the bush much. But I am kind, highly sensitive, and have a huge heart for pleasing people. My love language is most definitely words of affirmation. I want to feel appreciated. But I also have learned that hole will never be filled by someone else, and I shouldn't expect that of others. Especially a significant other. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm enough. I know I am. I don't NEED someone to tell me I'm worth it. I believe I am. 

So is it the awareness that I am confident in myself and my abilities that seems to make it ok to label that as bitchy? My goal is to focus on what it is I think people are really trying to say...that they see a confident woman who isn't afraid to express her opinions, ideas, and emotions. If bitch is the term folks wanna use then I'm gonna take it and make it my own. 

Broken but Worth Loving

It's the dark days and the long nights that remind me of my brokenness. That make the loneliness so alarmingly obvious. The self doubt creeps in, and I begin to question if it was me all along that caused such turmoil in my life. Would things be any different with anyone else? Am I too controlling? Too demanding? Too narrow minded about the way life should be approached? Selfish? I occasionally stumble onto the path of self hate instead of self love and wonder if it's possible for someone so broken to be wanted or desired.

I miss the simplicity of knowing there is always someone on your side. Even in the long lulls of emptiness in my marriage I still felt the tiniest bit of reassurance that I had someone to walk through life with.  Someone in my corner. Now on the bad days it's always just me. And getting comfortable with that is taking longer than I'd like. Maybe I never will. 

There is often music playing to drown out the silence. To keep my thoughts from heading down the wrong fork in the road. The lyrics are healing. Putting into words what my heart is often incapable of admitting. Forcing me to recognize where I still need to learn and grow...and where I'm still hurting. Reminding me to be gentle with myself and reaffirming that in spite of it all, I will love again and will be loved again. All in due time.

Painfully Honest

I hate how guarded I've become, and I hate how guarded the people I care about are. Somewhere along the way we all began to believe that we (and others) are desperate for feeling anything other than indifference. It somehow became normal to be with someone without a "label"...to "casually" date. That's such bullshit, in my opinion. We're meant to be connected to each other. In lots of varying degrees. And the acknowledgement of that connection has been lost. We hide behind social media and texting. 

I'm a passionate person. I like passionately, and I dislike passionately. Gray area is hard for me...especially when further muted by distant, cold, tech-driven communication. Let's be real with each other. Full of love, tenderness, joy, sadness, hurt, and everything else we feel. Without downplaying or apologizing for such honesty. Truth is so much more valuable in this world of lies we live in.