It's the dark days and the long nights that remind me of my brokenness. That make the loneliness so alarmingly obvious. The self doubt creeps in, and I begin to question if it was me all along that caused such turmoil in my life. Would things be any different with anyone else? Am I too controlling? Too demanding? Too narrow minded about the way life should be approached? Selfish? I occasionally stumble onto the path of self hate instead of self love and wonder if it's possible for someone so broken to be wanted or desired.
I miss the simplicity of knowing there is always someone on your side. Even in the long lulls of emptiness in my marriage I still felt the tiniest bit of reassurance that I had someone to walk through life with. Someone in my corner. Now on the bad days it's always just me. And getting comfortable with that is taking longer than I'd like. Maybe I never will.
There is often music playing to drown out the silence. To keep my thoughts from heading down the wrong fork in the road. The lyrics are healing. Putting into words what my heart is often incapable of admitting. Forcing me to recognize where I still need to learn and grow...and where I'm still hurting. Reminding me to be gentle with myself and reaffirming that in spite of it all, I will love again and will be loved again. All in due time.
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